I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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