Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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