i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
