You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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