am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
