so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Swine flu. Run for my life!
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
