oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize