dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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