just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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