What a fucking waste of an outfit
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
