You smell like stripper and shame
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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