put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
