I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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