sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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