Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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