I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
