that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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