____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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