he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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