my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
