I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
