I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i would punch a child for taco bell
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
