There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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