so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
They took my balls.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
