When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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