I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
