thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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