did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Randomize
