I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
