i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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