I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
