does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
