you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
