My Higher Power is John Stamos
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Is Oprah even human
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
