she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
