Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize