I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
so much tequila, so little girl.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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