don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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