he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
this will be a night to untag.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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