Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm passing your future prison.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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