Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
