He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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