Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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