I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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