Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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