you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize