and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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