I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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