Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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