whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
