theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
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