:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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