i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
