Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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