Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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