Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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