i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
