Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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