I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
he shaved USA in his pubs
Quick, to the slutcave!
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
