im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize